Second Chance
by Ialwaysshipthedoomedones
Summary: "You have spent too many wasted years feeling angry with the wrong people that you have lost sight of the root cause."


_Two Parter, will all makes sense in the last one! _

_Hold me, wrap me up. __Unfold me. __I am small, __I'm needy. __Warm me up a__nd breathe me_

It's so dark in the place you find yourself and you wonder if it's going to be like they always said. You question whether the white lights of heaven have come for you. But this time the lights aren't white and you're going anywhere but heaven.

You don't think you deserve even God's pity and start to wonder if this is what hell is like. Have you met your maker? You've been told often enough that you resemble something far away from heavenly. There's not many things that faze you. You can handle the screaming and the fighting and the names they call you have little affect after hearing them ten times over. You don't even mind the crying any more because it makes you feel alive. When you're alone at night with just your pillow and the sound of his heavy breathing beside you, you feel you can right the world.

It's the silence that cripples you. It lets you hear the voices in your head and you always have been your own worst enemy. Ever since you were a little girl of just four of five years old you hated to think. You'd shut yourself away with the TV blaring so loudly it would almost drown out the sound of screaming from downstairs. Not quite, but very nearly.

You used to love to read. Sometimes you would pretend to be one of the characters just to feel what another life could be like. But now you don't read. You can't because not even the characters in the storybooks you used to cherish can't ease the pain that eats away at you.

Should you be feeling pain? You don't have the answers because you aren't concious enough to remember what cause you to be trapped in the prison of your own body. It's the most aching punishment you could receive because anybody that knows you well enough knows there is nobody you hold a hate for like the hate you hold for yourself.

Sometimes you feel as though you could rip the skin from your bones in anger. You want to pull out the locks of hair that cling to your head to let the world know you're not okay. _He always said your eyes were more beautiful than anything that could even be imagined. _But you don't see it. You don't see the dusty green pools he once described to you. You have stood in your full length mirror time and time again and all you see is blackness.

This is what being alone with yourself does to you. It makes you think and thinking makes you hate. It makes hate so much it hurts. But there is no way out because you're trapped. This is the hell you have been given. It's your punishment and you know it's all that you deserve but that doesn't stop the longing for a second chance.

You have all eternity to think but even that will not fix the destruction you are now so sure you have left behind. You have spent too many wasted years feeling angry with the wrong people that you have lost sight of the root cause. You blame your mother for not ever being quite good enough and Paul for never loving just how he should. You are always more angry with Liam for leaving you than with Tony for forcing him to. You think he should have listened to you all those years ago and maybe things would have worked out. And now you have been spending months agonising over Frank's betrayal when really it was you that broke his heart and cost him his life and left his mother desolate.

You stole a family away from the person you once called your best friend and selfishly twist the blame to be on anyone but you. You wanted him and you got him. You made him so dependant on the person he thought you were and now you have left him just as Liam left you.

You can't even be sure if you love him like you long to do or if you are more in love with the idea of him loving you. He became your addiction and you became is. You used him as another pawn in your game and now you've left him chewed up and alone.

It's time to realise that you are the reason for your own pain. You have cause the agony you have felt everyday since you were just a child.


End file.
